one-act plays

KATHERINE: So, wait, what is 30-down again?

M: “Immediately,” six letters. But none of these really make sense there–

KATHERINE: Atoncé? AH-TONZ? AH-TON-SAY? I guarantee I’m not pronouncing this word right.

M: Yeah, I don’t know.

KATHERINE: Is that a music word? Atoncé? What’s 29-across?

M: Author of a famous comedy, five letters.

KATHERINE: Dante.

M: Oh, right.

KATHERINE: Well, atoncé would fit then.

M: Yes, it would.

KATHERINE: I still don’t know–

KATHERINE: AT ONCE. OH MAN.

[Three-minute laugh break.]

M: Atoncé!

KATHERINE: Fra-gee-lay!

M: That must be Italian!

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KATHERINE: “They said she died easy of a broken heart disease” is always what I thought Beth March died of. Rather than, you know, an actual disease.

JANE: Didn’t she die of heart failure as a result of scarlet fever?

KATHERINE: Alcott makes it sound like the crushing weight of Beth’s saintliness offs her.

JANE: It would kill me. Confession: I hated Beth. I hate saintly characters in 1800s era books (i.e. Jane Eyre). The “she was too good for our world” thing makes me homicidal.

KATHERINE: Read it again now, you’ll hate them all.

JANE: Can’t I just watch the Winona Ryder movie again and think about how hot Laurie is?

KATHERINE: I appreciate how that movie underscores how ludicrous that decision was. CHRISTIAN BALE, JO. CHRISTIAN BALE.

JANE: And then she goes with freaking Gabriel Byrne? I’m offended now, and I’ll be offended forever.

KATHERINE: Now I’m getting pissed all over again. He’s your best friend! He respects your intelligence! He’s hot! He’s rich! HE’S INTO YOU.

JANE: He built you a mailbox! Your family loved him! He lived next door! His teacher married your sister! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

KATHERINE: He basically acts out a scene that millions of nerdy girls over the next 150 years would pine for, but never see. WTF JO. Look at your life, look at your choices.

JANE: And he wasn’t some 40 year old German guy who made every scene incredibly uncomfortable!

KATHERINE: Oh, and one that ruins all the good sexy exciting detective writing or whatever by making her return to effing Pilgrim’s Progress and THAT SCHOOL.

JANE: It’s really too bad that Little Men isn’t actually about how Jo realizes that she’s a moron.

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CJ: This weekend I learned how to say “pole dancer,” “stripper,” and “all eyes on me, bitches” in sign language.

KATHERINE: I just had a mental flash of the Strip Club for the Deaf. Something like “Metro at 8:45 a.m., when hundreds of adults sit in austere silence, but with strippers and beer.”

CJ: “Next stop Gallery Place/Chinatown. Doors open on the right. And put your hands together for Cherokee in car 5!”

CJ: That would ameliorate all of the Metro’s other countless flaws.

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KATHERINE: I’m just giving up and admitting it: I like Ke$ha. I just don’t have Taylor Momsen’s pride.

ALEX: Who is Ke$ha? I only listen to Charlotte Church and U2. It’s not a dis, I just don’t know who she is.

KATHERINE: Seriously. “I don’t know who Justin Bieber is. I only know his name because it keeps being brought up to me. I listen to Led Zeppelin and The Beatles, so I have no idea who he is. That’s not a dis; I just don’t know.”

ALEX: My friend sent me link that with the subject “i had forgotten how much i wanted to punch this bitch.”

KATHERINE: That Bieber thing more than anything makes me want to punch her, I think. Yeah, sure, ho, you don’t know who Justin Bieber is. Do you know who Oprah is? How about LeBron James? Barry Obama? BECAUSE THAT, SADLY, IS THE STATE OF AFFAIRS. A Canadian elf has rivaled the media clout of Black America. I wish I didn’t know either, Hamburgler, but welcome to the bell jar.

ALEX: Could she be trying any harder to sound like a disinterested punk? I can see her sitting there thinking, “Hmm what can I do to be more edgy… quick deny knowing who Justin Bieber is…throw in some eff bombs…”

KATHERINE: “The horrible priest jokes and generic militant [REDACTED SORORITY HOUSE] feminism weren’t enough. Think, Taylor, think.”

ALEX: Which, hold on, so Taylor Momsen knew about the Catholic priest scandal but not Justin Bieber? Clearly she only watched CNN that one day.

KATHERINE: It’s a good thing she knows what “Catholicism” and “vibrators” are, because she might have confused them with Beatles and Led songs — her default answer, apparently, for things she knows nothing about.

ALEX: Wow, so we just proved Taylor Momsen is an idiot. I feel like somehow we should report this. But perhaps she’s already done it.

KATHERINE: You didn’t hear the Appalachian Mountains move for shock and awe just now?

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