Theory Thursday: The Hot-Pretentious Scale

May 12, 2011

Originally, in honor of The Vampire Diaries season finale tonight, I was going to post about five reasons** you should DVD marathon it this summer. But then I discovered something very important, that we need to talk about: The male equivalent of the Crazy-Hot Scale. You’re familiar, right?

Last week, I read a HitFix interview with Joseph Morgan, who plays the principal villain of season two, Klaus. Joseph Morgan is British, and generally looks like this on The Vampire Diaries:

Asked about his film experience in “Alexander” and “Master & Commander,” Morgan said:

And you know? In the books, it says that Klaus fought with Alexander and it’s kinda crazy that I’d done that movie “Alexander.” It feels like there was some synchronicity there or something.

Reading Morgan use the word “synchronicity” in a sentence, I learned something very important about myself: While I would probably find that word a Kryptonite-like violation of “Politics and the English Language” if some ehh-looking guy at a happy hour said it to me, it’s super hot when Joseph Morgan says it.

In short, there is a Hot-Pretentious Scale. It’s partially what spurs girls to date what academics would classify as “real douchebags” (the rest of that is related, in spirit, to “hating nice guys“). Hotness prevents your eyes from actually rolling during an eyerolling moment. For the actually cool girls out there, I suspect they deal with the Hot-Cockiness Scale, but we are where we are. Allow me to diagram:

For actual people out here among us, you start substituting in real world normal and inferior goods — Chucks, TOMS, smoking cigarettes, smoking cigars, “not liking country music,” wearing flag pins (happens), etc. Whatever, we all have our own Hot-Pretentious Scale. I suppose there’s also a demand curve to go with the supply curve here, where some girls just really are dying to be told about the new Francis Fukuyama book, but…that’s a lot of fake economics for me.

Questions? Comments? Where would you plot John Krasinski and Jake Gyllenhaal? And, you know, big question: Where do the Ryans Reynolds and Gosling fall for you? THE GRAVEST ISSUE OF THESE GRAVE TIMES.

**Here they are, without much attention paid to them:

  1. The crack-cocaine pacing that produces legitimately good suspense/surprise (Ex. Three people got stabbed in an episode in February and I was surprised each time).
  2. TVD still does character moments and development very well and very consistently versus, like, Glee.
  3. The female characters aren’t angsting, wilting flowers of BUT LO WHO WILL I CHOOSE — largely because they’re way too goddamn busy avoiding death for maudlin Twilight-ery, but still.
  4. Nina Dobrev is going to be a Movie Star.
  5. The OVERWHELMING hotness of the male cast. There are, no kidding, eight extremely attractive regulars. It’s not even a “if you’re into that…” where we all have to put on the Camp David Accords to decide whether Colin Egglesfield looks too much like Tom Cruise. If you are into GUYS, you will have someone that fits your definition of what constitutes hotness.

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Anna June 4, 2011 at 1:09 pm

But I love James Franco…

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