Theory Tuesday: The Two Bracket Primary Model

April 19, 2011


Donald Trump is running for president.


We create two brackets for the 2012 GOP primaries. In one bracket, we’ll have, like, Mitt Romney and Tim Pawlenty, and, you know, real candidates. And then we’ll put Donald Trump, Michele Bachmann, Ron Paul, and other assorted personalities in the NIT bracket, and locate that somewhere else, like a side stage at an outdoor musical festival. (Not a simile — we’ll literally put them on a side stage at a music festival [Bonnaroo?] and see where that gets us.)

FAQ for the Two Bracket Primary Model

What about Herman Cain? And Allen West? Or Rick Santorum? They’re not quite as much of a joke as Donald Trump.

Too true. Herman Cain will play Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum will square off against Allen West in two play-in games to make it to the winner’s bracket. Gus Johnson will moderate both debates, which will be scored by Fred Barnes, Charles Krauthammer, Chris Christie, and Angie Harmon in character as “ADA Abbie Carmichael.”

That isn’t very democratic.

Well, neither is Iowa.

Do you have any other paradigm-shattering ideas for how to run the next American election cycle?

Yes, I do. We need a law stipulating that no one who has appeared on a reality show can run for president. The statute of limitations would be five years.

So, The Situation as my dark horse candidate would never happen?

In five years he could win the NIT bracket, and move on to a one-game playoff with whoever comes out of the winner’s bracket.

A one-game playoff? What are they going to do, fight to the death like some sort of real life Hunger Games, except with campaign buttons and scalding coffee as weapons?

No, of course not. Do you think this is a goddamn joke? The one-game playoff will be decided by a group of 21 voters, all over age 60, selected from the 21 states with the lowest per capita total of Urban Outfitters and Cracker Barrel franchises.

It would liven up voting.

I think so.

But doesn’t a one-game playoff sort of demean the dignity of the office of the president? Having Mitt Romney or Paul Ryan or whomever actually appear on a ballot next to the drummer from Kings of Leon?

Donald Trump is running for president.

Right. Sorry.

It’s okay.

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

YFS April 21, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Donald Trump is running for president.

If you don’t like him, don’t vote for him.

There, I fixed it.

Tom O'Gorman April 21, 2011 at 12:54 pm

This is such a good idea. That is why it will NEVER happen. Sigh.

Katherine Miller April 21, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Aw, YFS, why you gotta ruin our fun? That is my actual solution for Mitt Romney, though.

Tom, thanks for reading/commenting!

Aaron April 21, 2011 at 4:09 pm

I’ve got a better idea. Let’s put the solid conservatives on one side of the bracket (Bachmann, Santorum, Cain, West, Rubio, Ryan (I know they’re not running, but I can dream can’t I?)) and the phony hack RINO’s and/or Libertarians on the other side (Chump, Huckabee, Romney, maybe T-Paw, haven’t decided, Ron Paul, etc.)

Katherine Miller April 21, 2011 at 4:12 pm

@Aaron Good call! Maybe proximity would encourage Ryan and Rubio? We could brand the final match as “Heroes vs. Villains,” and make corresponding Justice League / Legion of Doom logos for each.

Aaron April 21, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Yes, love it! Would have to get creative w/ the snug-fitting spandex suits if Christie ever decides to run though. BTW, he would fall in the phony/hack/RINO side of my bracket.

Leave a Comment