by Katherine Miller on September 2, 2010
I haven’t had any time this week to work on the Twilight recap (look for it this weekend!), so I’d thought I’d dip into the unpublished archives of this blog. Last summer, I saw Obsessed and wrote this post, but never published it.
Briefly, Obsessed is either a really bad movie or a really nicely done Lifetime movie. Usually in movies about psychotic women, the predatory asylum escapee at least has some redeeming feature at the beginning of the movie, where you’re like “Ah, right, I can see how this person functions in society.” Not so in Obsessed, y’all! Bitch crazy. Both of them! Beyonce and Ali Larter! The script! This is a movie about two women in their late 20s who fight to the death, who are named LISA and SHARON. In 2009. At one point, they faux-accidently, snidely call each other “Liz” and “Shannon” and instead of recognizing the inherent smackdown, you’re like, well, yes, that would make far more sense, I can understand the confusion.
The top ten most insane things, though? Countdown time.
Contine reading…
by Katherine Miller on August 26, 2010
Before this blog just becomes a Tumblr of Urban Outfitters email advertisements, long, long ago, I committed to this ghastly project of recapping Twilight. A few months ago, I wrote up part one here, and never really posted it because I had mixed feelings. So, here’s the deal: Render your judgment. I will forge ahead if people like it, and if you don’t, I have a stack of 2001-era Teen Peoples ready for the Vandy Yearbook treatment.
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Let me drag you to hell for a moment: Twilight opens with Biblical verse. Actual, legitimate King James scripture about original sin, straight from Genesis to my mass paperback. Stephenie Meyer waits for no man, apparently.
But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
Imagine if this were the beginning. Genesis 2.0 — with Ke$ha as R@phael (GeNe$!$, one supposes), narrating the battle between the hipster angels in their plaid and wayfarers, chucking PBR empties at the rebels in jeggings and hooded pumps, to Edward and Bella, who have finished their lab assignment and tolerate the distraction with brooding ambivalence. Then this millennium’s Adam and Eve procreate us into a bleak, yet sparkling future, in which all human interaction occurs in biology class and children (all named Jacob and Isabella) hide from snow, and you just cry and cry.
Him who disobeys breaks union, and that day, cast out from God and blessed vision, falls into utter darkness, deep engulfed, his place ordained without redemption, without end. Blah blah blah.
Anyway, think about original sin when you read this recap. You’ll be sorry anyone ever had sex, really, by chapter three of Twilight.
by Katherine Miller on August 25, 2010
Nothing says “do me” like a giant wilted piece of celery.
by Katherine Miller on August 14, 2010
1. The Fall of the House of Usher
Clearly, in a world where “Love in This Club” still exists, Usher’s not really gunning for sterling artistic achievement, but in my head, he’s preparing to release a concept album based off Poe’s finest. Slow churn up “Hotel California” and Kanye’s “Flashing Lights,” and we arrive with our protagonist entering an old friend’s Caribbean gated home or Manhattan penthouse, as his (the old friend’s) old flame, if you will, falls ill. The interludes could, instead of The Mad Trist — which, frankly, needed to be shut down anyway, that’s like popping in Fatal Attraction to calm a small child — be true blue Motown songs, with a bit of an edge. It would be like Thriller, the actual concept album, with Jackson 5 songs to actually complete the loop. You would totally listen to this.
2. Modern update of Ethan Frome called “Drift,” packaged like Twilight and sold to its market — with no changes to the ending
This would be the champagne toast of my lifetime: Watching a sixteen year-old’s bewildered, apocalyptic outrage as the suicide pact fails and the wife lords it over them for the next two decades. Seriously, though, it’s already set for the update: Frigid hipster winter in New England with an embittered relationship at the forefront and the ingenue that enlivens a detached man? The characters are even named Ethan, Mattie, and Zeena (and speaking of, Ethan was virtually unheard of in Edith Wharton’s day). Update the professions and the disease to some auto-immune disease, and you’re set. This needs to happen.
3. Untitled Romantic Dramedy Set During the Holidays
“With the holidays at hand, Maria O’Connor (Michelle Pfeiffer) is still recovering from the death of her husband, Mark, three years before — and the quiet in the house since her younger, shy daughter, Emily (Dakota Fanning) has gone off to college. When out to brunch during Thanksgiving break at a local diner, Maria and her older daughter, Katie (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), run into an old basketball teammate and her father, owner of a construction company, Dan Marshall (George Clooney). Katie, concerned about her lonely mother, seizes the opportunity:
‘Mom, you should hit that.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘Get it get it? Bang it out — fine, date him. He’s divorced, he’s got to be at least your age, he’s wearing flannel, he clearly ordered bacon. Don’t you want in on that action?’
Maria holds off her daughter, with self-deprecation and questions about school, but after she runs into Dan at the hardware store a few days after the girls have gone back to school, he enlists himself to help her with a few projects around the house…”
And so on and so forth. I’m not giving away my plot entirely, but Christmas parties, drunken younger daughter, awkward Indie band that Clooney’s son is in as a date, letting Clooney work the Doug Ross charm, getting poor Michelle Pfeiffer some decent work, Something’s Gotta Give, etc. etc.